@RedRegenerated

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

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@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@_sleepysmile

Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*

@TribalSpaceCat

Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are

@Dschnoeb

I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

@cravin4

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

@IntrepidDeviant

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

@duplicitron

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.