Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
You Might Also Like
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”