[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.


Him: My voice is a little hoarse.
Me: You have a pony?!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: I wish I had a pony. *pouts*


Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are


I think the only girl I know that hasn’t said “you’re like a brother to me” is my sister.


Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.


There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.


What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?


I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.