No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
the world’s most popular steaming services
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.