[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Attacked by a mop.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears