[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
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me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
I鈥檓 learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
You know a Brit鈥檚 really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there鈥檚 a chance they鈥檒l give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider鈥檚 confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Meme Monday.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what鈥檚 that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It鈥檚 Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You鈥檙e a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I鈥檓 showing your insurance company bc honestly I鈥檓 tired of it
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse