If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
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I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*
ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”