@BrassBallsCJ

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

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@ConanOBrien

If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.

@SarahJonesVent

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

@AnkCoupleTO

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

@mommajessiec

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

@ItsLaTourette

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@electrolemon

this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash

@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

@Brampersandon_

BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

@BradBroaddus

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..