Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.