@rubyetc

#have a #great #PancakeDay

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@Norsebysw

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

@LeonInNewJersey

Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain

@Yankeegiant72

After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall

@TheSharona06

Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.

@Cheese_Pile

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@david8hughes

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

@JohnLyonTweets

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

@murrman5

[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim

@Darlainky

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.