@Freudianscript: When life gives you lemons..... Facebook makes lemonade. Twitter Makes Martinis.

@GringoBrulee: HR: Do you know why we called you in here today? Me: I'm not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@MelvinofYork: I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said "YOU KNOW WHY" and now I'm just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

@KentWGraham: My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

@Underchilde: The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.