#have a #great #PancakeDay

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“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother


Did you hear that Barcelona’s beautiful people hardly feel precipitation?

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain


After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall


Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.


*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*


For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..


[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it


Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*


[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim


When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.