@rubyetc

#have a #great #PancakeDay

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@Go2Slp

How to sports:

– Take a ball
– Put it someplace someone else doesn’t want you to put it
– Congratulations you’ve now sportsed

@TheToddWilliams

[Eating ribs at BBQ Joint]
“Would you like a Wet-Nap?”
No thanks, I had one this afternoon.

@ThugRaccoons

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

@pixelatedboat

Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop

@RobElliottComic

When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who’s more pissed off and whisper “We can make it look like a suicide” and wink

@wolfpupy

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

@DanMentos

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

@sad_tree

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so