#have a #great #PancakeDay
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guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
excuse me
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn