Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

You Might Also Like


When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.


I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.


I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.


Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.


Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face


im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive


The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.


Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
And fromage