@RealCarrotFacts

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

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@E_lok44

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

@lovemydogduck

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@SirEviscerate

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@Rollmaninoz

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Password expired
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Password expired
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Password ex…

@gonzotrucker

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.

@E_lok44

Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.