Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

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Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.


My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.


deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.


“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.


[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A


Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

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Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.


I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.


Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.