@RealCarrotFacts

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

You Might Also Like

@ibid78

When life hands you lemons make sure those lemons aren’t evidence in a murder that life’s trying to frame you for.

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@kirbys4losers

I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.

@theevilwriter

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@sofarrsogud

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

@grumbist

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

@kwirkyKerri

The spider I let live in my kitchen is letting the bugs run amok. No free rides!
Your days are numbered missy.

@BuckyIsotope

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage