I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.
*runs after him
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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Why font matters.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Cop; Know why I pulled you over?
Me; Because you got beat up in high school
Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?
*gets down on one knee*
UPPERCUTS MORTAL KOMBAT STYLE
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.