@tastefactory

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

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@Vodkantots

I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him

@imdaintyaf

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

@patnspankme

When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.

@rockymomax

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

@iwearaonesie

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

@thatUPSdude

Cop; Know why I pulled you over?

Me; Because you got beat up in high school

Cop;…….

Me; Because you got beat up in high school, Sir?

@funnybeachgirl

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.