Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward