“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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📽️movie date🎞️
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue: