@recursivetaco

have all the brands stopped pretending they’re people? It’s safe to assume Hot Pockets isn’t going to announce it has covid19 tomorrow?

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@Shelts99

I may have hit rock bottom, but the upside of being down here, is I can see up all of your skirts.

As you were.

@MikeCanRant

*watches as both hands turn into devils*
*looks over sink*
HAND SATANIZER
“Oh, this is just great”

@NotthatAdamWest

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

@RoastedPapad

She : It’s not working between us.
He : Why ?
She : For starters I can’t handle your silly jokes.
He : Hmm okay and for main course ?

@trevso_electric

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

@emilymaej

I told my niece if I cut her open she would just be made of chicken quesadillas and she said if she cut me open I’d just be dead. Smart kid.

@KyleMcDowell86

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

@dumbbeezie

Naked and Afraid but it’s just you in someone else’s bathroom with a toilet that won’t flush

@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

@LibyaLiberty

“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘All?’
“Well,most.”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
#ArabInAmerica