My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol