@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

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@iAmDelFreaky

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

@withanewname

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

@aotakeo

Batman: what’s your power

Superman: *removes glasses*

Batman: woah where’d the nerd go

@trumpetcake

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

@tigersgoroooar

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

@Shock_Monster

Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.

Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@dysondoc

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.