Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭
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*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Sure, Canada, feel safe now while US is just after oil.
Wait ’til we run low on beer, ice, hockey players & f’d up ways to pronounce words.
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal