Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
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Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
who did the taste test?
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.