Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.


Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.


[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that


I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.


girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??


If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.


Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.


I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.