Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Hank is one in a melon.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.