@gringothespice

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

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@cravin4

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

@WittySassBasket

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

@Diversion50

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@murrman5

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

@MountainDouche

If cops can drive undercover cars, we should be able to drive cop cars. It’s only fair.

@WhitneyCummings

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

@dorsalstream

I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.