Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

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Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.


[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.


Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.


I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.


“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe


My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.


911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?


She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


My kids don’t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch