All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
You Might Also Like
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism