@JamieLinks

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

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@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

@Vodkantots

Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.

@Jarhead44

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

@Divergentmama

“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@good_one_rick

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@redthe1

My kids don’t even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays

@decentbirthday

Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch