You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*