Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
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Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.