Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

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After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.


If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.


You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.


A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.


The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.


Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.


Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!


Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?