@LackOfShame

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

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@ibid78

After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it’s still January so it’s super cold out and I have considerate eyes.

@kyle_thatisall

If your girl says “Hey guess what!” you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.

@Bob_Janke

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

@BoobsRadley

The next time somebody complains about millennials, maybe remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hardwood floors.

@TheTweetOfGod

Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@pantless_papple

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?