My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
You Might Also Like
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.