Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
you stereotypes are all alike
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school