Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

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Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday


I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.


It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass


If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.


Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.


[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.


My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.


[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?