Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
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I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs, I prefer a more friendlier tone like Pro-sanity pills.
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.
Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
She: OMG I’m so wet.
Me: *hands her roll of paper towels*