Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

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If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.


I put my pants on like everyone else… As the cop taps on the glass and shines his high beam in my face.


[Arsonist Conference] This year’s award goes to Jim Buford—c’mon up here Jim. Jim, you really razed the bar for all of us.


I’ve worn glasses three quarters of my life, but I still manage to poke myself in the eye every now and then putting them on!


Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.


If you’ve already died hard, how can you die harder, with a vengeance, live free and die hard again and then find a good day to die hard?


[first day as a paramedic]

me: omg sir were u stabbed

bullfighter: no i was fighting a bull

me: [gasps] who gave the bull a knife


Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.

Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…