Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
You Might Also Like
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned