@iwearaonesie

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

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@McSwtrvst

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

@LogicLaughs

I’m Not A People Person, Or A Morning Person, Or An Evening Person, Or A Going-Out Person, Or A Staying-In.. I’m Not Even Sure I’m A Person.

@NotthatAdamWest

When did intentionally misspelling words become a thing? Kewl? Gurl? You know what I dig? Literacy.

@TheAndrewNadeau

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

@pant_leg

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@Browtweaten

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

@torrami

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁