@sarcasticmommy4

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

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@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@girl_a_whirl

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

@ibid78

Say no to drugs. Say yes to the dress. Say anything to John Cusack. Say you say me to Lionel Richie. Say say say to Paul McCartney.

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

@bartandsoul

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

@Kayditty

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

@bridger_w

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

@daddydoubts

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.