Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
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11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.