My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich