Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
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[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.