Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
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I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
This did not end as expected.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Okay me first
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it