Have kids, they said
You Might Also Like
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Why is everyone getting married at me
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.