Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
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Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy