Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

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The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…


If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.


Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually


I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”


The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.


Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room


This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.


God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.