Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
You Might Also Like
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.