@HMittelmark

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

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@garthinkingcap

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

@erica_rosie

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

@cool_as_heck

Her: I have Netflix if you wanna come watch a movie 🙂
Me: No it’s ok, I have my own account
[60 years later on deathbed]
Me: Wait a minute

@gvicks

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

@Maddy_ubert

I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”

@Stellacopter

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

@DurtMcHurtt

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

@Skoog

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy