@HMittelmark

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

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@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@bearloverbobby

I went to AT&T and asked for a sim card. They told me I had to call them to activate it. See the problem…

@VikeeysSecret

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

@yoyoha

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

@SocialExtortion

I hate going to the dentist, he is always like “did you eat Oreos before you came in?” and “you are still eating Oreos, I can see you”

@SonOfCha

The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.

@Douchekevin

Told my girlfriend she should scream out ‘my god you’re huge’!! at her gynaecologist appointment to freak out the others in the waiting room

@AndyAsAdjective

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.