have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.