Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..