“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“Hi there. So what do you do?”
“DO YOU HAVE ANY SPEED OR WHAT?”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”