Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
How all things should be taught/explained.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”