Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
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*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
🙀🙀🙀😹
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage