“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.