The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap