Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

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Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.


a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock


ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary


[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope


Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can


woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.


I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.


You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.