@tracietom

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

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@Dawn_M_

Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.

@leyawn

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

@Brampersandon_

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a doctor]

patient: how bad is it

me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope

@Gupton68

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

@ProudFFAalumni

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

@CVTBaby

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

@Schmoodles

You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.