Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana