Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”