@JustinGuarini

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

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@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!

@popcorn_dog

[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@mishakey

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

@GlennWool

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

@cupcakelogic

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

@MariyaAlexander

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

@aotakeo

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

@madee_kha

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence