Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
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Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My beach vacation Google searches
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’