Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

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I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!


[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist


*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.


when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story


someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE


Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud


do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence