Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
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[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.