[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
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Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.