@Sean_Burgundy_

Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?

– me as a marriage counselor

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@eff_yeah_steph

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

@TweetsByKaylee

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

@juneohara65

Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.

@iwearaonesie

*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*

@trevso_electric

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

@taxiderby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no