My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Have you ever considered letting your wife sleep with a marriage counselor?
– me as a marriage counselor
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[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Who called it a pharmacy and not a coughy shop?
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then