Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
You Might Also Like
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
buys donuts instead
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too