[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
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I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Funny women are smart. Be careful.