@BobbiStonewall

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

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@titanmoon10

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

@RobElliottComic

That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@BrassBallsCJ

Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.

@tesselatrix

I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.

@T_Bonezzz_

Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

@MarfSalvador

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

@BuiltToTopple

You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*

@DaddyJew

Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that