Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”


That show Scrubs is bullshit. Not one person in this hospital joined in my song and dance number.


The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.


Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.


I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.


Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you


me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine


You two, right there. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be coming home with me.

*points at hotel towels*


Gf: on a scale from 1-10, how annoyed are you with me right now?

Me: 8

Gf: I can do better than that