Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine