Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
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I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.