Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
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guilty
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
The Book. The Movie.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
me doing my best
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.