@fuzzypantaloons

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

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@Bratterina

A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.

@WhiskeySoured

To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.

@JJSummertime

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

@capnwatsisname

Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware

@edamamiiiii

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

@Just_Lee_

When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.

@perlhack

[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?

@Browtweaten

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

@Parvaze__B

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly