Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

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A 4 year old told me her mom went swimming in the ocean and a baby went into her ear and now its in her tummy and honestly sharks are now the least of my worries.


To protest Donald Sterling’s racist comments I’m going to continue to not care about basketball.


My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.


Me: please, I’ve tried everything

Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware


being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck


When I think of you, I touch myself.

With my finger.

In the back of my throat to help me vomit because you make me nauseous.


[Biologists naming Eels]

b1: ocean sneks

b2: bitey noodles?

b3: what do the dolphins call them again?


Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally


What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly