@robfee

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

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@BlairLoudly

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@UncleDuke1969

They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.

@KeetPotato

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@papasuncle

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@ambermruffin

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**