Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**