Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.